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i dont even know where to begin. there is so much going on around me in my personal little world and in the big giant crazy world that its been hard lately to feel like i can even catch my breath. this is scary, good, bad, frightening, uplifting, exciting, terrific and terrible time. yeah…i know that sounds crazy. crazy is kinda how i feel. i am embracing the crazy.

just a couple of months ago i was watching my friend go through kind of the same thing i am doing…. though he was giving up his apartment, job and entire LIFE here in los angeles and making a big move and he sort of knew the outcome…mine is not that big….yet. i was telling him that i was both excited and a little jealous of him. when i was getting ready to move to california years ago…letting go of all the things in my possession and getting down to the barest of essentials and moving across the US without really knowing what was gonna happen was incredibly thrilling and terrifying. it turned out to be the best thing i have ever done and the most rewarding. the moment i got here and knew i had just finally DONE it…it was INCREDIBLE. when he was getting ready to go he had been going through the same stuff.  i kept telling him all of that and that i was feeling a little jealous he was gonna feel so good on the other side. when you take a leap of faith to make your life better and you give yourself chance to step up and you do….it feels great. note to self: be careful what you wish for, ruth.

i am a spiritual person. i believe in mediation and manifestation and prayer and karma and energy and all of that. i also know that most of this stuff comes from within and is a reflection of what you put out. so over the course of the last year and four months i have been paying more attention. i have been making a conscious effort to focus my thoughts, energies, prayers on the things that i am most thankful for and that i would like to spread into the other areas of my life. the results have been amazing….and confusing. as they always are.

the things i have been most focused on in prayer and meditation have all been coming forth but all at the WRONG FUCKING TIME….or was it?

i love that i am learning about myself through this whole process and yet i am troubled like anyone when pushing my own boundaries. my girl reebs said something to me that has been ringing in my head like a bell. over and over again and its hard. we had been talking about this process. trying to take what life is giving you and figure out what it is that you are supposed to learn.  i was mentioning “falling back into old patterns- escape hatch” and i also said things like “i don’t do long distance relationships” “i’ll never leave los angeles”…..she stopped me and said “i am tired of hearing you talk about old lessons and patterns. why don’t you figure out what NEW lesson you are supposed to be learning here. maybe its i don’t make blanket statements like, i dont do long distance or i will never leave los angeles?”—–message received reebs. message being replayed over and over again in my head reebs. new lessons. what is the new thing happening here and why now?

you see the greatest love affair i have had in my life this far has been with los angeles and southern california. i have never felt more at home and comfortable and in a place where i fit. i have amazing friends and family here. i have been here for 10 years and they have been the most incredible 10 years of my life….until last year when i started really focusing on the two areas in my life i wanted more from. here i am….a year later completely flipped and upside down. dont get me wrong…i LOVE my city, my home, my people here in los angeles but lately its been harder and harder to fight off what i dont love.  and why NOW? after all this time.

so now where am i….what do i do? i have resolved to have no fucking clue and enjoy it. (at least for a while) i have resolved to take the blessings that i have been given right now and use them. understand them, appreciate them and learn from them.  they didnt come when they were supposed to before. why are they here now? how does will it work?

i have no fucking clue. i am going to enjoy the ride. even if from time to time i feel like puking.

I always have refrigerator magnets. I love them. I also always have the magnet poetry on my fridge. As I am packing this month I’ve decided tonight to pack the magnets. I will write all the bits of wisdom here for posterity. Here we go:

Mother love for animaly!
Am crazy
Have a free soul
I roll dirty – my personal fave
Uglyest dysfunctional fantasy
Soft Good Child
Pray
She sure out does her past
High or daze
He fall fast
cartoon anger
Deep sexual paranoia is how I lost nerve. – who wrote this on my fridge and when?? Breaks my edge
It the death still
Never make progress
Over sublime
Whisper reason
Jealous thoughts never take… (Literally there is the dot dot dot magnet) Reconcile there

And the last words obviously grouped together or placed in a way to mean something and my very favorite:

LIVE POSITIVE.

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

from my BB

sickness and the bench

when you are not feeling good:

rookie with potential- accepts that you aren’t feeling well as an excuse to not hang out as planned. uses the weather as an excuse as well.  doesn’t push it.   i am still sitting here a little sick and probably coming down with something serious and kinda wanna get taken care of.  he is a rookie.  he doesnt know that yet. but he has potential. he will probably learn this about me in the long run.

crazy veteran that never ceases to amaze you- this crazy motherfucker is always down for the good time not matter WHAT is involved. very intense in everything he does from conversation to food to sex to work. such a good guy. too bad there is that coke problem. that’s why he will never be captain. BUT when he calls for a little face time and you tell him you feel like shit and think you are coming down hard with the SARS or something and just wanna lay under a blanket and not go out in the rain so probably not such a good idea…..he says “i dont get sick and i make one hell of a chicken soup. ill stop at the store on my way.” he knows. cause he has been around a while and he pays attention and likes to make you feel good. even when the west nile is at stake. crazy mother fucker.

everybody needs a bench. and im getting homemade chicken soup!

 

missing you

thinking about you guys today. i think its funny when people say shit on facebok like “happy national pie day!” and i say HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA i dont care.

but i have been kinda lonely lately and thinking alot. its ok. i am learning alot of NEW lessons. i heard you reebs i heard you.

sometimes just feels good to reach out and say hi. even if its just for a few moments. i miss you. a lot.

hope to have some big exciting stuff happen soon. all good. just wanted to say hi. so

HI!

what’s fun

i actually thought to myself today…what’s the food today? and then i thought….WHO THE FUCK CARES!

old habits die hard though.

love you guys.

xoxox

Cheers.

i feel it’s only appropriate that today is national champagne day. well DUH! it is the one time that people who dont even drink have a little sneaky pete. who doesnt want to have a toast at midnight on new year’s eve? i have my bottle of martini & rossi in the fridge chillin as we speak.

i am sitting here still unsure what this night will have in store and it is bringing to mind the start of this whole journey and what its meant to me. i will begin by saying i am FUCKING GLAD ITS OVER! FUCK.

i know that it was not the EVERY DAY thing that it was originally intended but, i have been pretty fucking good and you gotta admit that when i did miss some…i either made up for it or had a legit excuse. usually.

i also want to say thank you to anyone who has read along the entire time…reebs, damn girl i fucking love you….and those who have only caught some here or there or those who only read ones that i MADE you read because they were for or about you. whatever the reason you have stopped by to try to decipher this crazy gook that goes on in my head…well i really appreciate it. it means alot and i love you guys. i miss the 365 foods friends. their journey ended on october 1. i have missed watching them do SO SUCCESSFULLY what i have tried to do. two completely different takes on the same theme and i learned from both! i hope you guys are having a great holiday season and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

i think back to all the different people that have played along and been involved of the finding, making, eating, enjoying of all the foods in this blog. afterall…that was really the point. was just to experience the day according to what food it was and how it played a role in my day. those of you again…reebs DAMN GINA where would i BE?!?!, big d…my bitch in the kicthen. mama hasn’t ever been taken care of so good. i miss you my boo. cyndi, sharon, justin, angelina, bess, marti, jj, deb, amy, laurie, all the kids and my crew in lalaland. you guys are troopers and thanks for letting me bring weird food to your parties or making it FOR ME! marti…the pumpkin cheesecake invades my dreams.  it these experiences that truly defined this whole thing for me. life is really about experiences and people. i have the best of both. experiences and people in my life. then we added food and boy it was FUN! i am so lucky.

there were also the experiences that i had in different cities. like denver with krista and stacy finding rhubarb pie in JANUARY whaaaaa? jimmy, becky, katie brodie….well eating everything under the sun and calling it a day together on the couches at the house with kittens, come ON! my beautiful family in the U.P. and phoenix. what a great way to eat food and be merry but with you all.

even though 2010 was the most challenging and difficult year of my life i will drink this celebrate just what an amazing year it was. because once again i made it through, with all of you. my friends, family, experiences, memories and so so so many blessings. good bye 2010. good bye (for at least a while) you silly blog. everyone be safe and have a happy new year.

love you

cheers

cheers ya'll. good bye 2010. hello 2011 and your endless possibilities.

brought to you by

today is bicarbonate of soda day. i dont know why or how but i assume drinking some soda today would be right in order with celebrating accordingly. there is much to celebrate today.

i got my check from 1 v 100 today. $3,814 dollars worth of a check. all of my winnings thus far. most have been very tiny but thanks to Jack Daniel’s Whiskey…i got $3,333.

today i am celebrating my winnings with coke and of course….jack. but i am stopping now because i just got an emergency call and i will be picking up my BFF from the airport at 7 because her hubby got bumped from his flight. BOO for him YAY for me i get to squeeze my REEBS! YIPPEE!

this is a good day. notice the apostrophe on the label. that's right. it's Jack Daniel's Whiskey because he made it. and i am smart. god bless jack

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