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Archive for March, 2011

i dont even know where to begin. there is so much going on around me in my personal little world and in the big giant crazy world that its been hard lately to feel like i can even catch my breath. this is scary, good, bad, frightening, uplifting, exciting, terrific and terrible time. yeah…i know that sounds crazy. crazy is kinda how i feel. i am embracing the crazy.

just a couple of months ago i was watching my friend go through kind of the same thing i am doing…. though he was giving up his apartment, job and entire LIFE here in los angeles and making a big move and he sort of knew the outcome…mine is not that big….yet. i was telling him that i was both excited and a little jealous of him. when i was getting ready to move to california years ago…letting go of all the things in my possession and getting down to the barest of essentials and moving across the US without really knowing what was gonna happen was incredibly thrilling and terrifying. it turned out to be the best thing i have ever done and the most rewarding. the moment i got here and knew i had just finally DONE it…it was INCREDIBLE. when he was getting ready to go he had been going through the same stuff.  i kept telling him all of that and that i was feeling a little jealous he was gonna feel so good on the other side. when you take a leap of faith to make your life better and you give yourself chance to step up and you do….it feels great. note to self: be careful what you wish for, ruth.

i am a spiritual person. i believe in mediation and manifestation and prayer and karma and energy and all of that. i also know that most of this stuff comes from within and is a reflection of what you put out. so over the course of the last year and four months i have been paying more attention. i have been making a conscious effort to focus my thoughts, energies, prayers on the things that i am most thankful for and that i would like to spread into the other areas of my life. the results have been amazing….and confusing. as they always are.

the things i have been most focused on in prayer and meditation have all been coming forth but all at the WRONG FUCKING TIME….or was it?

i love that i am learning about myself through this whole process and yet i am troubled like anyone when pushing my own boundaries. my girl reebs said something to me that has been ringing in my head like a bell. over and over again and its hard. we had been talking about this process. trying to take what life is giving you and figure out what it is that you are supposed to learn.  i was mentioning “falling back into old patterns- escape hatch” and i also said things like “i don’t do long distance relationships” “i’ll never leave los angeles”…..she stopped me and said “i am tired of hearing you talk about old lessons and patterns. why don’t you figure out what NEW lesson you are supposed to be learning here. maybe its i don’t make blanket statements like, i dont do long distance or i will never leave los angeles?”—–message received reebs. message being replayed over and over again in my head reebs. new lessons. what is the new thing happening here and why now?

you see the greatest love affair i have had in my life this far has been with los angeles and southern california. i have never felt more at home and comfortable and in a place where i fit. i have amazing friends and family here. i have been here for 10 years and they have been the most incredible 10 years of my life….until last year when i started really focusing on the two areas in my life i wanted more from. here i am….a year later completely flipped and upside down. dont get me wrong…i LOVE my city, my home, my people here in los angeles but lately its been harder and harder to fight off what i dont love.  and why NOW? after all this time.

so now where am i….what do i do? i have resolved to have no fucking clue and enjoy it. (at least for a while) i have resolved to take the blessings that i have been given right now and use them. understand them, appreciate them and learn from them.  they didnt come when they were supposed to before. why are they here now? how does will it work?

i have no fucking clue. i am going to enjoy the ride. even if from time to time i feel like puking.

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I always have refrigerator magnets. I love them. I also always have the magnet poetry on my fridge. As I am packing this month I’ve decided tonight to pack the magnets. I will write all the bits of wisdom here for posterity. Here we go:

Mother love for animaly!
Am crazy
Have a free soul
I roll dirty – my personal fave
Uglyest dysfunctional fantasy
Soft Good Child
Pray
She sure out does her past
High or daze
He fall fast
cartoon anger
Deep sexual paranoia is how I lost nerve. – who wrote this on my fridge and when?? Breaks my edge
It the death still
Never make progress
Over sublime
Whisper reason
Jealous thoughts never take… (Literally there is the dot dot dot magnet) Reconcile there

And the last words obviously grouped together or placed in a way to mean something and my very favorite:

LIVE POSITIVE.

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

from my BB

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